Naming one’s restaurant, No Regrets Pizza Co. is a curious choice1, almost begging a critic to opine, “I ate there and have nothing but regrets.” Mortgage company mogul Richard Weiner opened No Regrets in 2024 against the advice of friends who claimed that a non-restaurateur opening a pizzeria in his twilight years would lead to massive regrets. Hence, the name.
Serving $15 craft cocktails and $25 pastas, No Regrets is a chi-chi spot, befitting its North Bethesda2 location. The No Regrets website makes clear its fancy schmancy-ness:
Experience culinary excellence with our carefully curated menu showcasing artisanal pizzas crafted from the finest ingredients. Indulge in a symphony of flavors, from classic Margheritas to gourmet specialties, promising a gastronomic journey that delights the senses.
DishingPizza cares nothing about a gastronomic journey that delights the senses. DishingPizza wants pizza, the simpler the better. While its patrons probably appreciate No Regrets’ smart, tailored design, DishingPizza prefers chipped Formica tables and minor rodent infestation. But, hey, everyone has their own jam. Although No Regrets’ pretentiousness, evidenced in Weiner’s description of it as “very high-end,” violates DishingPizza‘s ethos, what really matters is the pizza.
No Regrets serves three styles of pizza — Roman, Neapolitan, and New York– but it’s best known for Roman-style. Since Roman-style is a relative rarity in the DMV, that’s what DishingPizza ordered.
It’s easy to confuse Roman-style pizza with Detroit-style pizza, since both have a rectangular form-factor. However, comparing the two styles is like comparing the late Giorgio Armani (Roman-style) to the late Hulk Hogan (Detroit-style). Both were mammals of the same species, but that’s where the similarities ended.
Like Armani, Roman-style pizza is understated and elegant. Detroit-style is a more in-your-face, crude pizza3, much like Hulk Hogan. DishingPizza is fond of both types and evaluates each on its own merits.
The No Regrets Roman crust is sublime. Airy, spongy, and feather-light with a slightly tangy flavor, the crust is a perfect platform to handle the sparingly applied, high-quality tomato sauce and mozzarella. Each element of the pizza is in harmony, complementing but not overpowering the others. DisingPizza refuses to define it as artisanal, but agrees that the No Regrets Roman-style pizza is goddamned terrific.
Finally, a few words about pricing. Not only is No Regrets a rarity in its pizza versatility, but its pricing is equally odd. The NY-style 18″ pizza is reasonably priced at $0.10 per square inch. The Neopolitan goes for $0.16 per square inch (very expensive), and the Roman is $0.19 (shockingly expensive). Super-annoyingly, the 18″ pizza is only available at lunchtime, which dovetails with No Regrets’ self-image as a nighttime hotspot with pricy craft cocktails and wines. A couple would be hard-pressed to keep their tab below $65 (before tip) if they each had a cocktail.
1 Restaurant naming is a tricky business. If you choose a name that’s too aspirational, like Pizza Paradiso, it invites critics to respond, “I tried the food, and it’s a Fool’s Paradiso.” Perhaps underselling and overdelivering is preferable. If one names their restaurant Pizza of Low Expectations, customers might not come flocking, but those that did could only exceed their suppositions.
2 The 20852 zip code has a per capita income of $74,110. This is the average income of every person in this zip code, including children and retirees. The average household income in this area exceeds $110,000.
3 The slathering of thick tomato sauce ribbons on top is a signature of Detroit-style pizza. Slathering is a word that doesn’t even exist in Italian.
No Regrets Pizza Co.
5454 Nicholson Ln, North Bethesda, MD 20852
Style: Roman (& Neopolitan, & New York)
Pizza Quality: 🍕🍕🍕🍕
Overall experience: ⭐⭐
Roman (8″ x 12″ rectangle): $18.00 – Price per square inch: $0.19
Round Neapolitan-style (12″): $18 – Price per square inch: $0.16
NY-style (18″): $25 – Price per square inch: $0.10